I go through all this

So.

I've recently found myself under a huge pile of self-inflicted change. And it all seems very heavy right now.

I don't typically cope with change well, which might sub-consciously be the reason that I have undertaken this current overhaul of my life. Quite frankly, I'm sick of living my life three years in advance, and have started to think that maybe, just maybe, by constantly living in the future, I'm letting some of the little things - the small, unexpected, and beautiful things - pass me by.

People change all the time. The thing about changing is that we don't typically get to see it in ourselves. It is usually a quality that someone points out, observes. I have never noticed how I have changed because I'm constantly living with the idea of myself that someone planted in my head years ago. It hasn't been until recently that I've actually had the opportunity to look at myself from a new angle. And take stock of what I see.

I've been going through the layers that make up me. That make up the real me - not the projection of how other people think I should be. I've been looking at how I act, what I say, what I do, how I react. I have to admit, there's been some scary stuff in there...stuff that I'm not proud of, and that I sometimes wish I could take back. Emotions that have been sitting so far down at the bottom of the pile, that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling them.

I could regret the things that I've done. I could beat myself up for making the choices I've made, or I could move on. Learn from my mistakes. Give myself another try. Don't we all deserve that? To borrow the words of the brilliant Todd Solondz (you either love him or hate him - rather, loathe him): "Maybe you're happy right now, and you just don't know it yet".

When we encounter difficult choices and hard realities, sometimes we just need a day - a day to just not get out of our pajamas and to take stock. Re-prioritise. Move on. Bury the monsters.

I go through all this.